New Year with Migraine
I woke up on January 1, 2019 with a migraine. I felt hung over, like I was going to throw up, dizzy with a pounding headache worse than most people know and sensitivity with all of my senses. Is it because I rung in the new year with champagne, a fancy dress, and way too much indulging? No. I spent the last day of 2018 with a migraine at home on my couch and began my first day of 2019 in bed with a migraine.
As I scrolled through my social media to distract myself from the pain, I saw lots of smiling faces, celebrations and well wishes for the new year. The question remained in my head, “How is today any different from yesterday?” I suffered and missed out yesterday and I’m suffering and missing out now.
My 2018 was filled with many adventures, priceless times with my family and the greatest loss of my life. The second half of my year was consumed with the loss of my therapy dog and best friend. Two of my pets that filled my heart for over 13 years were gone in a devastating three days. As a result of this 1,2 punch, I wasn’t sad to see 2018 go. With all the blessings that my world provided that year, it will always be the year I lost Lucia and Sammy. The year my baby grew into a big kid and graduated preschool. The year that changed me.
Along with these life changing events, I also fought migraine with intensity. I tried more than one new medication and fought side effects that came on quickly and harshly. I went on some, went off some, and upped my dosages.
I had a glimmer of hope from all the new medications that came out in 2018. I heard and read stories of migraine sufferers finding relief! It made me so happy for them! As I continued my journey, I became frustrated that I didn’t have the same luck.
I did, however, feel like I may be making progress. I spent the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without being bedridden in years! I traveled to see my best friend and didn’t get sick! I felt like I was getting somewhere. Not cured, not without migraine, but better (and believe me, better felt good!). It was unbelievable, in a way, and I was a bit nervous to even admit that I had had lower pain days in fear of messing something up.
Hope is a powerful thing and I began to plan trips for 2019, bought a planner and furiously started filling in my goals with hopes that I may have a future in less pain. Then came new years. After having so much hope, my dreams seemed to be crushed. As the ball dropped so did my expectations.
Therefore, I’m not beginning the year with resolutions. There’s nothing I can do to change my neurological disease. No amount of planning will allow me to succeed. No special January detox is going to cure me and no medication is guaranteed to work or result without side effects.
I haven’t written much lately because I don’t want to spread my negativity about this disease any more than it already drags us all down. But I think by being honest and letting you all know my feelings may help you. You aren’t alone and you aren’t the only one mad.
I find that I’m even angrier now that I had hope. I’ve lived in pain for so long that getting a taste of celebrating Christmas with a somewhat clear head and having it taken away has made me worse. I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Concluding this downer post, I want to tell my migraine warriors and loved ones, that 2019 will be different! I have projects and travel that will broaden my migraine advocacy scope and allow me to bring you more support. It’s a year I’m beginning angry and directing my anger towards migraine help to help us all. Facing a chronic disease and knowing that year after year I will be battling this is daunting and a fact I don’t have a choice in.
In 2019, I will continue to fight my battle, fight for your battle and continue to make noise about migraine. I can’t guarantee much, but this I know!